“So this is the tale my mother told me
That tale that was much too dull to hold me
And this is the surge and the rush she said would show
Our story goes on.”
 — Richard Maltby, Jr.

We are having a baby! For the past few days, I had the hardest time processing this information. The first thing that entered my mind was, “Oh, that’s why I was feeling like that.” then came relief because I thought that I had a terrible sickness, then fear, and then.. I don’t know.

I was feeling off for the past two weeks. Really dizzy. Incessant crying — I spent my birthday feeling very down. Pain and cramps in my lower abdomen. A terrible episode of my GERD. Last week, I went to our doctor to have my stomach checked. I was not able to finish playing the Ateneo Blue Symphony’s concert last March 6 because I was too nauseous already. Our doctor addressed my tummy issues through acupuncture and recommended warm food combinations for me. I then complained about the pains in my lower abdomen, saying that it might just be my period coming up, but I’m still bothered by the pain. Our wise doctor then took my wrist, felt my pulse, gave me a mysterious look, then just told me to stop drinking tea and that we will wait for a week. Oh boy. Her look made me suspicious.

One week is a long time for me, but I did my best to distract myself. Four days went by quickly, but after a couple disagreements between me and my husband, which all stemmed from me being too emotional, I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. We bought a Medic pregnancy test kit in a drugstore, and I read somewhere that it’s more effective to take the test in the morning, so again, we waited. Morning came, and my husband already left for work. I decided to take the test by myself. Lo and behold: 

I then texted our doctor, telling her the results, then got a referral for an OBGYN. After the appointment, we learned that I’m already five weeks pregnant, based on my LMP. Hmm. Honeymoon baby. Not made it Hong Kong, though. I was surprised that we were able to conceive easily since a lot of people around us were having a tough time conceiving. We are very blessed, indeed.

Now, through all of those moments I mentioned above, the strongest emotion I’ve had was fear. I feel guilty for being scared back then. I didn’t want to feel scared, this is supposed to be a joyous event. But my mind was running everywhere: What am I going to do? Am I ready to become a mother? Are we financially capable for this? Is this really ok with my husband? Is he disappointed? Are we ready to become good parents? I still cried a lot after learning of my pregnancy. Days went by, I took care of myself, hubby took care of me, I took my vitamins, drank milk, ate healthily, but, still, there was this veil of uncertainty hanging over us. I still couldn’t comprehend a lot of the thoughts running through my mind.

The time I finally got a hold of myself was during our first ultrasound. It was a transvaginal ultrasound, and it was so uncomfortable. But everything went away when I saw this tiny bleep beating on the screen.  The room disappeared, all my emotions and thoughts were suspended in the air — only that moment existed… and those tiny fluttering heartbeats. I was teary-eyed as we finished the ultrasound. I came out of the clinic, head in the clouds, basking in one emotion: love.


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